How to Create Healthy Boundaries

You hear it all the time, people talking about boundary lines and the need to create them. With all that telling you what to do no one ever discusses how they create their boundaries and how you can too. 

Creating boundary lines and putting yourself first doesn't have to feel overwhelming or scary in the least. It is super simple and I can show you how. 

First, let's chat about what boundary lines are and are not.

Boundary lines are not walls.
Boundary lines are not permanent lines in the sand, depending on your intention.
Boundary lines do not control your life or confine you to a box.
Boundary lines are fences, and you get to decide who or what you open your gate to let in.
Boundary lines support you in creating the life you want and deserve.
Boundary lines create clarity and direction in your life.
Boundary lines are flexible and are in your control.
Boundary lines show you what your values are.

Now on to create YOUR boundary lines!

Step One: Past Triggers

Use the chart below. On the left side, write all the time you felt triggered, less than, your energy felt drained, and all the times you know meant know but said yes.

Please don't shame yourself for your past actions. This all about gaining self-awareness and to give you a starting point. Here is your permission to go all out and holds no bar. Your boundary lines I meant to support you, and they are no one else's. Self-awareness is key to shift your life and mindset.

Complete this step fully before you head on Step Two.

Step Two: What I would have done instead?

Now that you have completed Step One, let's move to the next step, writing what you would have done instead.

With your past triggers on the left side, on the right side write what you would have done instead or wanted to do next to each trigger.

Go one by one and take your time. These two steps are essential for Step Three and figuring out what you value.

Step Three: Discover your values.

Review your lists and ask yourself with each trigger, "What do I value here?"

Is it freedom? Creativity? Alone time? Fun and playfulness? Focus? Space? Growth? Honesty?

With a different colored pen, write the corresponding value down the middle, or you can use the blank space below to write down your values.

Step Four: Create Your Boundary Lines

Now you know your values, it is time to create your boundary lines. There are two ways you can.

One way is to write simple statements like:

I say no with explaining.

I am not available to be someone's emotional punching bag.

I only have roasted marshmallows over campfires.

I value getting a good night's rest and prioritize my sleep.

I will pause before I act when triggered because I don't like myself when I am reactionary.

Another way is to write I value...So I need...And Will honor by...Statements

This makes it easier if you are struggling to create Simple Boundary Statements because it gives you clear steps when creating your boundary lines. 

Examples: 

I value creative flow, so I need minimal calls and meetings and will honor by scheduled only critical and time blocks.

I value quality time, so I need focused, intimate connection, and honor my weekly date nights, meet-ups, and phone calls. 

I value focus & depth, so I need a few "hell yes" projects and will honor by saying no to anything else. 

I value freedom, so I need choices and honor by asking myself if I want to do X and honor how my body responds.

Step Five: Honoring your boundary lines.

This is the final step, and to be honest, it is the hardest step because the Universe will test you when it comes to honoring your word with yourself.

The only person who you should ever keep your word to is yourself. There are many reasons. (A podcast episode will be released on this topic, so keep an eye out.) The number one reason for keeping your word to yourself is that it builds up your self-confidence faster than any other trick or tip out there.

You honor your word to yourself = honor and respect who you are as a person.

Honoring your word is the hardest part because people will challenge your boundaries and push to see if you are for real about them. It means you have to be willing to walk away from a person, event, opportunity, job, client, or whatever steals your peace. Anything that takes your peace of mind is not worth having in your life.

People will push your boundary lines. Because they will, you will have to ask yourself what consequences you are willing to live with. 

For example, if someone keeps crossing your boundary line on how you want to be treated, then you have a choice to live with the consequence of cutting them out of your life or live with the consequence of breaking your word with yourself. The choice is always yours.

Listen to intuition and gut on this one too. When you are feeling confused about what to do next, just ask your gut. It will guide you in the right direction because it knows best. That is with anything. When you feel lost or confused, just ask your gut then do it what it tells. Plus, it rebuilds trust within yourself. In return, it builds your self-confidence, too.

When something or someone crosses a boundary line of yours, then you get to honor it.

Boundary lines are not meant to hold you back and are not absolute.

You have the power to change them at anything when your boundary lines are no longer working for you. You are totally worth having these boundary lines in your life because it is your life, and you have the right to live it the way you see fit.